(SATIRE ALERT)

A post Senator Tito Sotto has won the prestigious Nobel Fish Prize for his “mind-boggling contribution” to maritime science, his alma mater announced Friday.

Sotto was honored for his “deep, incisive, gagological examination of the complex nautical, aqualegal migratory patterns and rights in the West Philippine and South China Sea,” according to a statement from Wanbol University, where Sotto is revered as the institution’s most respected alumnus.

Sotto was particularly praised for his profound analysis and deconstruction of the maritime exclusivity rights as they pertain to the waters claimed by the Philippines in the context of the Duterte government’s policy of offering generous access to China.

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(This next part is not satire. It’s true. You can watch. Go to 2:40.)

“It’s very difficult to say that there is exclusivity when it’s underwater,” Sotto said in an interview with ANC. “The fish could be coming from China. And the fish from the Philippines could be going to China if we want to be technical about it and relate it to the constitutionality of what should be owned by us.”

The brilliant senator continued (again this is not satire): “There are exclusive types of fish that are only found in China, but can be found here because of migration perhaps. It could be a very good test case that it is a constitutional violation.”

“The entire Wanbol community is so very proud of Senator Sotto,” Wanbol President Vic Ungasis said during a press conference. “Tito Sotto is indeed an intellectual giant, a bold thinker with one of the formidable brains in world history.”

President Duterte himself congratulated Sotto, one of his staunchest allies and defenders.

“Tanginang Tito — er I really want to congratulate the honorable and distinguished Senate President who truly, absolutely, definitively deserves the Nobel Fish Prize,” Duterte told reporters. “I mean who would come up with an explanation like ‘the fish could be coming from China’? Tangina, talo pa si Panelo ha.”

Sotto will receive the Nobel Fish Prize next month in Oslo, Norwegia.

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This article is originally written and published in INQUIRER through this link.

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